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Why!!! WHy must I attract roadkill???!!! Why can't I meet someone like Josh?

Minus the werewolf thing....

Pixi Regards...

Yeah I know what you mean. I feel gross and I definitely need to get the fuck out of this place like RIGHT NOW. I don't know what's worse, not feeling the home-yness of my mother's house, living with my mother, or living here?

I moved out of mom's place so that I could grow, do things on my own, not be pestered about going to school (something I care about but not ready yet to join at the moment). I too want my alone time, time to just sit in silence, have my own privacy (for once) and not worry or bother whether my music's too loud, or any other sounds coming from my room bothers anyone, whether it's farting, lovemaking, or the tv as I watch my porn...

I will have freedom.

You know that saying, or that cliche when people say they just want to leave the place they're at to just up and leave without a plan of what to do after? Well I say fuck that. I don't want to leave to just get my own place and wonder what's next. I could give a shit. I want to leave so that I know what true freedom is. Peace. I could care less if I go hungry or thirsty (which I know God will never let me go through because that's just who he/she/it is). As long as I have my own hole in the wall, I'll have my peace. I'll know what it's like to have your own things. Nothing would make me feel bad about my life, or the way I look. I will be Queen. I will never have to grab a piece of bread or a drink that wasn't for me. I'll never have to touch a man's dirty laundry in the hamper as I look for my own. I'll never have to cover myself up when I feel like walking around in my pj's, never hear the booming of a man's voice, never feel a male undertone as he demeans my sister or my nephew. Never Never NEVER feel stuck or obligated to do anything I don't want to do.

I will be free.

Writer's Block: Who's your BFF?

Who is your oldest friend (i.e., the friend you have known the longest)? How often do you see or talk to each other? Do your close friends tend to stay the same year after year or change over time?
We were 9 when we met. But I say we knew each other since kindergarden. Although I can't remember exactly how we met, her story puts us in 3rd grade. She says there was a party, which I remember, and the class had started a conga line, I looked on while the other sheep held on to each other, singing, dancing along, whilst I died of embarrassment for them. God they were losers, hehe. Erika says we were both at the back, they tried to get us to join in the alleged fun but we graciously declined. We've been friends now (on her calendar) 16 yrs, whilst I put it at exactly 20 :)

Since then our lives have never been the same...

To top it off...

Not only did we attend the same high school together we also went to college as well :)
There are many adventures, some you wouldn't get, some that I can't even remember but know they happened lol...

Since I moved we talk as much as we can, and now that I have unlimited texting we chat all the time about the random moments that pass us by, start talking after weeks of silence, exactly where we left off the last time we spoke. I love her. If I were a Lesbian, I'd totally do her...twice XD.

I wanna run to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Oh I feel lovely this evening. True a little bored but I'm fed and spoke with an old friend. Tonight feels good.

Not much happening on the home front. Although my sister and I did have a falling out for a sec and even though I'm still not ok with things I rather give her what she wants until my time comes to get the fuck out of here.

I dunno I feel ok. Better in fact than most days and talking to Donny was a kind of cherry on my so called cake. I haven't spoken with him in a long time and I can safely, assuredly, honestly say that my feelings for him are nil. All I see when I think of him are just the moments after we got the sex out of the way finally. I see him like I see my girlfriends. lol He'd love that line. But he really is like my best friend...well my other best guy friend. Erez, my Pet Jew, he'll always be number one. :D

Something odd has happened to Poppa lately. He...cute. Like a real granpa should be. My siblings and I are so Grandparents deprived. lol But he was almost too sweet. We laughed and laughed ate and laughed some more not too long ago when he came for Gabriella's baptism. She's in now...she's not going to hell aparently...fucking catholics.


So I'm reeling from the shock really. I mean he has his moments but if he only knew his best moments are when he's laughing and sweet, cute and decent like he's supposed to be. He was dare I say cuddly.

I know it's a conflict of interest when I say something nice about him when he's been such a dick to me but I can't help it. I'll always be a daddy's girl. Damn it.

I miss my momma too. I haven't spoken to her since I started working. I start so early and come home late. I know she's lonely. She won't admit it but we ALL know better.

I want to see her for her birthday...maybe I'll surprise her.

Anyway I'm off...my brother's watching the Body Guard. Classic Whitney BB and  BC.
Before the Bobby.
Before Crack.


Tomorrow will be the end of week two and I'm so hella excited.

I got my desk this afternoon. I can't wait to cheese it up with some friend pics and such. lol Canoistic Fury has a cubicle! lol

WHy am I so excited? hahahaha Idk.

Maybe because it's actually happening, you know? I'm finally doing something. It may not be much but it's something and it means something to me. I'm proud of myself. Yeah, that's what that is. I feel almost complete. Now all I need is a place of my own which is what this job will provide me and then some.

It may only be for 2 yrs but as far as I know, I'm the only bilingual person in that piece so...Maybe the future will hold better opportunities...Lord knows I deserve it.

I've been patient. I've put up with shit on top of shit. But it was all for the moment where I can pick myself up from the rubble and build what I could from there.

I may not be all the things I wanted to be and yes time does fly but I know myself more. I know what I can take. I see things more clearly and I don't care if I'm alone in life. Well not alone alone, I do have my friends. But people are so riled up on ending up alone. I'm not saying I'll be the crazy cat lady (I fucking hate cats...sorry cat likers!) I just don't hold couple-dom in high regard.

I don't want any kind of negativity in my life. I'm sorry loves who are going through things. No one really knows what you're going through except you. Others might understand but they'll never truly know. So work things out on your own, duckies. All you have is yourself and in the end you die whilst the world thrives.

I'm happy enough for the moment. All I want is to be left fucking alone. A niche of my own. I don't want drama. I don't want anything. I want to live, see more of the world, be amazed by places and things. Yes sir-ee. I'm happy enough. It might not be the grandiose of the grandiose. I just want a home that's mine.

I love you, you Swedish Bastard You!

I had odd and naughty dreams about Eric Northman these past two weeks. I don't know why but fuck that! I'm totally not complaining.

Not much on the brain as usual but my mood has definitely changed.

I'm not UNemployed lol XD. I can't shut up about it really. I tell everyone that I have a new job even though I blabbed it in other internet gatherings. I'm just so excited is all, not just because I'm going to get paid legitimatlely...BUT I WILL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY IN LIKE 3 OR SO MONTHS TO FINALLY MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Ain't life grand?

I'm training along with this other kid named Derrick. He's a cute white boy that reminds me of Eddie. The only exception is that he has blue eyes and Ed has hazel...I think...

He's nice and I hate that he types faster than I do. I don't like to be bested. But it's not like we're fighting for an internship or anything. We're both getting paid the same amount of money and leaving at the same exact time so no biggie. I can speak another language. All he can do is move his fingers wildly about. :p (I'm better. lol j/k)

At the moment I'm just training like I said with this kid. My typical morning consists of waking up around 5am-ish and leaving the house a little after 6:30am to catch the bus cos my dumbass can't drive yet. (I dunno how you people do it. It truly amazes me.) The bus takes me downtown and it usually arrives at 7am-ish, enough time to grab a doughnut or coffee and receive dirty looks from the bums and creepy crackheads. (I've only known one crackhead and he is the nicest person in the world. Love you Pablito!)

There I wait for the actual bus that takes me to work which leaves me almost half a mile away from the gate to get my daily badge. I sign it out and head for the caf that totally reminds me of Mercy College. Only there's old people gossiping instead of 18-26 yr olds. I sit alone because that's How I do, eat a little breakfast, get acquainted with the world news until it's actually time for me to go to my building. I listen to calls and write down info.
As a matter of fact I took my first two spanish calls today and it felt really good.

I know my morning is completely boring but I don't care. I'm the one getting paid. I'm the one super excited. lol

But I am. I know it's totally dorky but I'm really happy about this job. It's about damn time, I say. Oh and to make things even better: I got a hug today by the sweetest old lady. You can't beat optimism in the form of a sweet old lady dispensing hugs...

Today was entering week two and I'm still pretty upbeat about this. I'm so glad life is changing and I wish certain people would stop living in fucking clouds and illusions of themselves. Stop being a dick and work with what you got and if that doesn't help find something that will. But don't be a hater. For those of you that believe in Karma or that don't...if something's off or wrong in your life sulk as much as you can but always remember that you have to pick yourself up cos no one will do it for you. And that what comes around goes around.

Oh and before I go:

You know what really grinds my gears?
People who don't get it. IT can be anything but if you don't get it I don't want to be around you. You bother me and I want to smush your face. Like people who are with someone and fuck it up merely because they dub themselves a fuck up and then decided to fuck it up to the highest of "FUCKED". You know who you are and if you get angry or stank at me that's all on you. Just because you say you're one thing doesn't mean you really are and if you are you should have the common knowledge since you're so fucking gifted to be fucking decent.

In Iron Maiden we Pray.
Raise up your Fists.
Bang 'em up to the skies.
Up the Irons!

I say this with love and understanding and I say this to everyone who's ever had troubles with love...why do you submit to negativity in your lives caused by the ones you love?

It's one thing for a blood relative to do you wrong. Come on now. No big shocker there. Family is supposed to disappoint. I'm not saying it's allowed or that it's ok just expected.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Get off your high horse, Canoistic Fury!"

Please I don't mean to sound that way! it's not my fault!!!!

My mother put up with years of abuse from my grandmother to my father. After she finally saw a way out of the fear she was the one who raised us all with the notion that no one should have the right to control you. IN ANY FUCKING WAY! Then again she vowed never again to love because it doesn't exist but that's what she believes in. lol

True, no one is perfect. And just because she taught us certain values and how to be strong doesn't mean we're perfect because we're all different like the fingers on our hands or our strands of hair. Mom was a single mother so to me she's my super hero. I take all her wisdom to heart. I'm aware. I wish I wasn't but I'm glad I am.

I loved someone too just like my mother did. Her love was an imbecile though. He decided after boning and telling her he loved her to blab to his family. They weren't so hot on the subject and said that if he didn't end it they would cut him off. He wanted to marry her but like the little shit he was he ran behind his mother's skirts and left my mother there high and dry with a baby in tow. Mom was a servant girl and he was rich. You get the picture.

Then when my mom finally got the chance to see what she was made of she did all she had to do to get rid of the negativity out of her life and do what she could for her family. Years later after she made peace with those who did her harm there was nothing left. Not meanness or coldness, just civility and knowing that nothing could break her spirit.

So ladies...it's not easy. I know it isn't. Love is tricky but don't waste a lifetime of wondering or wishing or putting up with BULLSHIT! ANNEMARIE! HE'S AN EX! HE'S MADE YOU CRY YET YOU HOLD ON TO HIM LIKE A BLANKET! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CRAZY THAT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry. I'm way out of line. I'm in no position to pass judgement. I'm only trying to help, to prevent you all from going out of your minds, from pulling out your hair, from endless tearful nights. Why can't women be stronger? I'm not saying I'm strong. I've had my share of tears and who knows maybe I'll fall in love one day and it'll be the end of life as I know it who cares? It's what's to come, good bad, whatever. Move on. Free yourself.

Ugh i just don't get it...

God I hate women sometimes! :\

Writer's Block: Lights Out

All it takes is a blackout to realize how much we rely on electricity. What's your most memorable story from a power outage?
Ah let's see. I was stuck in my sister Marcy's Apt. on the fifth floor. We were hungry but our prayers were answered for as we went in search of food, people from the building decided to turn on the flood lights to their giant SUV and have a cookout for every passerby. It was cool. We ate burgers and hot dogs and let the windows open when we got back up the five flights of stairs cos the elevators were out. Then we all fell asleep...full of meats and soda :D

Good times!

"We can work it out."

These past ten minutes have been the most overwhelming and lovely experiences of my entire life.

Yesterday I awoke from a dream that I did not want to end. It has been the first time Edward has ever appeared in my dreams so vividly and so peculiarly. lol I can't decide which feeling is welding up in my eyes or what has become of me...in these past ten minutes. Is this happiness, for if it is then oh god let me embrace it. It's overwhelmed me. I am speechless in a way that only God can imagine.

This morning I dreamt of Edward. Izzi was there and for some odd reason I didn't feel like paying him any mind. I was trying to be coy and trying to see if I could pull off the old "playing hard to get" game. But there was no need for it.

Izzi, in reality and in dream, is compulsive. I didn't want to make a big fuss over anything but she decided it would be better to stir the pot and ooh my if she doesn't go over there and start talking to him. My god I could kill her! So I turned away and continued what I was doing. A few moments later she comes back bearing a gift. "This is for you. It's from him." I was beside myself. My face grew hot and I'm pretty sure I was sweating. I opened it and began reading but for some reason unknown to me I cannot remember what it said. I was disturbed a little when I saw the drawing of a woman resembling that of Jessica Rabbit. As you may know...I look nothing like her. Then Izzi told me it was a drawing of Erika...

Yeah I was confused too. And then I woke up. 

But that's not what overwhelmed me. In my dream he wrote to me. And now. Not just fifteen minutes before, I checked my mail and there it was. A small reply to a small salutation. From him.

I don't know what's come over me. lol I don't know what to feel. This may sound silly and ridiculous but it's the most sweetest thing I've ever witnessed.

Does this mean that we have some mental bond? I don't think so. Does it mean that we were meant for each other? Heavens no! I'm not naive nor silly like that--much. But in a way, my heart is beating with a different kind of emotion, another kind of feeling. I believe my friends...it's hope.

And yes I may be weeping like a baby, but to tell you the truth I have no idea where they're coming from. I wish I could say without sounding simple that it could mean something, all of this, yesterday, the dream. I wish I could say that my dream was trying to tell me something, but that would just be defined as wishful thinking. And what is wishful thinking but hope--in disguise.

Many apologies for the rambling. I hope something makes sense. Now let me wipe away these silly old tears and go to bed.

Night my friends. Tomorrow. Today should not be wasted. For life is too short.


Writer's Block: Environmental Confession

'Fess up: What do you do that's bad for the environment?
take up space???



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